Slowing down time

I feel like I have been in complete rut this entire summer. My friends have been unavailable. My family has been unavailable. Things started to feel good when I hung out with a certain person, but then it all started to feel wrong, like it normally does. Because I know it is, and in the end that person is as hot and cold as Pennsylvania weather. There was alot I wanted to accomplish this summer and I only did a few of those things. I finally started sewing like I used to, and ended up suprising myself. But then I did not really go out of the box with what I did. I wanted to do something exiciting and out of the ordinary but ya...no such luck. At this point all I can really do is focus on the future and try to treat time less like its minutes passing and more like its moments and experiences passing me by and I better put more value to it or I will be wondering where all of it went someday.

I watched Moulin Rouge last night, and that is really a movie that makes you want to fall in love. Granted, its old love...which is totally different from new love. But a girl can still dream =)

This post is short and sweet because I do not have much to say tonight besides ask a question I hope to be able to answer later.

Are Secrets, no matter how hurtful the truth it holds may be, best kept to yourself
.................... Or is the truth the only thing that can set you free.

Some may say it depends on the secret, but really should that even matter?

quit that shit

He is dead to me and I hate it. I wish I still wanted to fight for this but its already so far gone. In my heart I felt he was the one, so I just let him slip away. If i cry its for my heart, I will never understand the way it works. Its like a child that causes destruction and disobeys its parents. I can tell it what to do but it never listens. It stops me from having something beautiful, it prevents me from finding the peace I know I need.

I am my own worse enemy.

Good god my hands hurt

I used to make fun of my little sister when her hands would get rectile like in the winter. This winter, I have those hands. And they hurt damnit. Especially when I wash them. They are all red and hard and cracked. I want new hands. Or possibly hand gloves.

Costume crisis, missing Tommy, illness

I just ordered two costumes online because I could not make a damn decision. What the hell would I do if I had to make a huge decision in my life someday? I have the emotional capacity of a turtle for god sakes. When faced with a huge decision like college, I chose to go where my best friend at the time went. It just seemed better then choosing somewhere on my own. Plus she could convince me the summer before we went how awesome it was. And wham im sold. So i have spent $80 of money I do not have on costumes that I will wear once. Good god.
I am missing my Tommy today, like I do almost everyday. I miss the way his furr smelled, and the way he would come to the door when we came home, roll on his back showing us his big belly, and then reside on some shoes. I miss having him around. I wonder if he is optimistic in heaven. He was always a class half empty kind of guy. Love u dearest dear.
I was sick today, as I am practically everyday, for no reason. I feel bad for the man I marry, he will have to hear bitching like he has never heard before. I got 13 hours of sleep last night, woke up, went to one class, came home and felt like shit, took a 3 hour nap, felt like shit, came home, felt like shit, went to the library, felt like shit, got pizza with my roomate, felt like shit, went to the library again...felt alittle less like shit. Came home and now I feel like im on aderall. I could jump dance sing and do yoga. its 1:37 in the morning. I wonder if I am a bat of some kind.

Much love--Kayla

My Hair hurts

Last night I chose to go out. I ended up drinking wine and beer bonging jungle juice....ya. I woke up drunk this morning. My alarm, asshole that it is, did not wake me up. But luckily I woke up on my own 15 minutes before class. So i have different clothes on than last night but the same makeup and hair. Which i mean both look pretty awful. not only do I look like shit but I feel like shit to. It was my fault though so I cannot really bitch. I am worried that my head will roll off my body and find another decent human being to spend time with. More to say later....

Ouch..